


Silence Is Your Loudest Scream (I Don't Know Why You're Hiding)

by maxiswriting



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ... there are actually tags for this, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, M/M, Max can't tag to save their life, but what else is new, my boi i'm so sorry, there's fluff i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 08:30:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16036754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxiswriting/pseuds/maxiswriting
Summary: Roman is passionate, creative, full of energy and desire for adventure. He always bounces around with a pep in his steps, attracting all the attention on himself as soon as he enters the room. He is Creativity, the embodiment of Thomas’ hopes and dreams, always gushing about this or that new idea and dreaming of his next quest.And when everything feels duller and the excitement seems to disappear, well… he’s an actor. It isn’t difficult to hide the dark thoughts swimming in his head, slowly feeding on his insecurities. He has perfected it over the years, fake smiles and pretended enthusiasm slipping easily on his face like a second skin –he feels like Deceit sometimes, hiding himself behind a wall of lies and deception.





	Silence Is Your Loudest Scream (I Don't Know Why You're Hiding)

**Author's Note:**

> THIS MONSTER HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY WIP FOLDER SINCE LAST MAY PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME-  
>   
> Five months. Five literal months. This fic made me cry and swear like a fucking sailor, it hate it and love it so much at the same time and I don't want to see it ever again.  
> Just, take it, and cry with me. I'm going to drown myself with tea or something.  
>   
> (Also [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aks4dVLqpwM) is basically the theme song for this fic, so yeah. Listen to it if you want to have your heart ripped out of your chest or something.)

Roman is passionate, creative, full of energy and desire for adventure. He always bounces around with a pep in his steps, attracting all the attention on himself as soon as he enters the room. He is Creativity, the embodiment of Thomas’ hopes and dreams, always gushing about this or that new idea and dreaming of his next quest.

And when everything feels duller and the excitement seems to disappear, well… he’s an actor. It isn’t difficult to hide the dark thoughts swimming in his head, slowly feeding on his insecurities. He has perfected it over the years, fake smiles and pretended enthusiasm slipping easily on his face like a second skin –he feels like Deceit sometimes, hiding himself behind a wall of lies and deception.

It has become almost like a second nature to him, mask sliding almost too easily on his face. That’s why, when one day the others take him aside and tell him about their newly formed relationship, he manages to keep up his energetic persona with minimum effort. He grins at them, congratulations slipping easily from his mouth together with some merciless teasing because come on, Virgil and Logan sometimes are too easy to rile up.

Roman keeps smiling, even if his heart is breaking inside his chest.

Not that he isn’t happy for them. Really! The adoration each one has for the others is clear, even just by looking at them.

The only problem is, Roman can’t help but wish he could be between them, cuddling on Logan’s side with Virgil on his lap and Patton’s hand idly playing with his hair.

 

* * *

 

 

Times passes, the relationship between the three sides blossoming more and more each day, and the hole in Roman’s chest keeps slowly expands with it. He wishes he could just forget those feelings, bury them in the corner of his heart and go back to how it was before. When Patton’s hugs didn’t make his heart miss a beat, when Virgil’s little smiles didn’t make butterflies appear in his stomach, when Logan’s barely contained excitement while rambling about his favourite topics didn’t make a familiar warmth spread in his chest.

Thinking about it now, he isn’t so sure there even was a before.

Roman has fallen, and he fears he’s in too deep to go back.

But he’s fine!

He has to be.

Afterall, he’s the Prince, isn’t he?

 

* * *

 

 

Of course, it doesn’t take long for the others to sense that something is wrong. While it’s true that Roman is an outstanding actor, there are some unconscious reactions not even he can’t control. It’s the subtle twitch in his expression every time they’re all in the same room, his smile not quite reaching his eyes while he watches them, that extra enthusiasm in his words that makes them seem almost… fake.

They all notice it, in a way or another. Virgil is anxious, mind going back to when they used to insult each other at any given opportunity, when the goal was to hurt and there was no fondness in their voice. Logan is puzzled, once again finding himself not understanding Roman’s behaviour. It’s so… illogical. And Patton, Patton is terribly worried, eyes trailing apprehensively after Roman every time the fanciful side silently ducks out of the room. But they all agree on one thing.

They want their prince back.

 

* * *

 

 

When they finally confront him, Roman is in his room, staring blankly at the ceiling. He’s so lost in his thoughts that he almost doesn’t notice the gentle knock on his door. He contemplates for a moment to just ignore it, staying silent until whoever is searching for him gives up and walks away. It’s one of those days, when everything feels numb and even just getting out of bed feels like the most difficult of quests.

“Roman? Kiddo, are you in there?” Welp, here goes all of his resolve. There’s no way he’ll be able to ignore Patton without feeling guilty all day.

Roman sighs, taking in a steady breath before answering. “Hey Padre, sorry I didn’t hear you! Do you need something?”

“Could you come down for a bit? We wanted to talk to you about something, I swear it won’t take more than a few minutes. Also, I made cookies!”

Roman finds himself smiling at that, the numbness receding slightly. “Alright, give me a few seconds and I shall come out!”

He hears Patton giggle, before his steps finally disappear down the hall towards their living room. Roman waits a few more seconds, making sure the other is really gone before letting out a frustrated groan. Talking to Patton -even if just for a few seconds- may have lifted his spirits a little bit, but he still feels like shit, and absolutely not keen on leaving the safety of his room anytime soon.

Still, there is nothing he can do about that. Sighing, he slaps on his face a confident smile and walks out of the room, wondering what the others what to talk to him about.

 

* * *

 

 

Roman gets to the common room a few minutes later, changed into his usual outfit and with a grin plastered on his face. He may be feeling like crap, but he doesn’t need to bring the others down with him. They don’t deserve it.

They’re waiting for him on the couch, quietly talking to themselves. Patton is in the centre, with Virgil’s legs sprawled on his lap. Logan is sitting beside him, more composed but still leaning slightly on Patton’s side.

Roman finds himself unable to announce his presence just yet, standing at the bottom of the stairs with his eyes trained on the three sides. They’re… beautiful, almost ethereal to his eyes, fitting oh so perfectly together –like pieces of a puzzle, like soulmates destined to be together by the universe itself.

There is no place for him there, he knows. And still, it hurts, like a million needles piercing into his heart, like vines constricting his chest and squeezing until he’s almost out of breath, an invisible pain tearing him apart from the inside until all is left is a broken, bleeding heart.

He just hopes this won’t really take too long, because he can already feel his façade cracking and slipping away.

It’s Patton that breaks Roman out of his thoughts, finally noticing him and gifting him of one of his blinding smiles. “Roman!” he exclaims, gesturing him closer. Roman smiles –a sincere one, because Patton is awesome like that- and finally steps fully into the room, moving to stand just in front of the three sides.

“Hey guys,” he says, smile still in place. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

The others visibly stiffen at that, he notices. Virgil buries himself even more in the couch, making himself even smaller than he already is. Logan adjusts his glasses, a nervous habit he gets when he doesn’t quite know the solution to a problem he’s faced with. And Patton looks so worried, the smile he has plastered on his face doing nothing to conceal the plain concern in his eyes.

Confused, Roman arches an eyebrow. “What’s up with those long faces?” he asks, trying to make sense to the situation at hand, “I mean, I can’t talk for Pocket Protector and My Chemical Imbalance over here, but that frown doesn’t suit you, Padre.”

“We just…” Patton finally begins, “We’re worried, Ro.”

“Worried?”

“It came to our attention that you’ve been… acting strangely, lately.” Logan elaborates, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, “Namely, you don’t act as exuberantly as before, and it’s been a while since we heard you belting out Disney songs around the mindscape.” His expression turns into a frown, concern flashing in those navy blue eyes Roman loves beyond reason. “It’s… troubling, to say the least.”

For a few moments, Roman’s mind draws a blank –he never wanted them to find out, doesn’t want them to worry about him. He doesn’t deserve it, not when his reasons are so selfish. But maybe he can still save this. Maybe, there’s still a way for him to get out of this without ruining everything.

“Oh you guys, you don’t need to worry!” he exclaims, the lie slipping far too easily through his lips, “I am merely fatigued, that’s all! You know how stressful this last few weeks have been for Thomas, and I admit I might not have been resting as much as I should in order to finish some pro-”

“You’re lying.” Virgil pipes up suddenly, stopping Roman on his tracks. The anxious trait finally looks up, dark eyes staring straight into Roman’s shocked ones, “You’re not as good of a liar as you think, Princey. Care to tell us what’s really up?”

“I-” Roman starts, ready to protest and deny everything –he’s just tired, they don’t need to worry, why can’t they just accept it and move on?-  before closing his mouth when no valid answer comes to mind.

What can he say, really? That he feels numb, devoid of any emotion, that the world for him sometimes loses all of his colours and it scares him shitless, to see all of his passion and creativity disappear just like that? That he’s completely, absolutely in love with them, that he would lay entire kingdoms at their feet, slay countless Dragon Witches for them, if they just asked?

No he can’t. They’ll hate him for it, or worse, blame themselves for something that’s his fault and his alone.

“I- Look,” he finally says, sighing in defeat, “It’s nothing important, alright? It’s something I need to take care of myself, and I _swear_ I will. Just… let me do this, please.”

Not an outright lie, but not the complete truth either. He just hopes it’s enough to get them off his case, before they start trying to open doors he’s keeping locked shut for a reason.

“It’s important if it’s upsetting you like that!” Patton cries, eyes worried beyond belief. God, Roman feels like a monster now. “Let us help you, please.”

“Patton-”

“Virgil, is something the matter?”

Both sides stop on their tracks, turning to face Logan who’s staring at Virgil with a raised eyebrow. The anxious sides is looking at them, eyes switching from Roman to the floor with worrying speed.

“Kiddo?” Patton gently coaxes, placing an hand on his thigh, “What is it?”

Virgil gulps, gaze settling on his lap. “Is- is it because of us?” he asks, basically a whisper. The others fall silent, watching as Roman freezes and looks at Virgil with wide, fearful eyes. It’ just a flicker, a single flash behind the façade he’s carefully built around him, but they see it. They see it, and it finally clicks.

“It _did_ start to become noticeable when we made our relationship known…” Logan murmurs, astonished, trying to process what they just discovered.

Patton stares at him, eyes wide in shock, looking more crestfallen by the second. “Roman…”

“ _Why?_ ” and Virgil. God, _Virgil_ , shaking, voice cracking, staring at him with so much hurt and betrayal flashing in his eyes, thinking that now he hates them for the simple fact that they love each other unconditionally, when he can’t be more far from the truth.

That’s what finally makes Roman snap out of his shock, what makes him throw himself forward and kneel in front of them, hands holding firmly Virgil’s shaking ones while looking at them with eyes so open, so earnest.

“God no, no no no Virgil! You got it all wrong, please! I do not hate you- I could never hate you guys!” he pleads, voice wavering with the force of the emotions he’s finally letting out, laying in the open for them to see. He’s tired of lying, tired of hiding behind a mask. He just hopes they won’t be the ones hating him for this.

“I just, I love you guys so much and I know there’s no place for me here, I _know_ and it’s okay, I’m fine, I just need time to move on and stop acting like a selfish idiot and now I hurt you and-” Roman takes in a shuddering breath, looking down in shame, “I’m sorry, this is all my fault and I understand completely if you guys hate me now, just… I’m sorry.” He finishes lamely, squeezing his eyes shut to stop the tears from falling.

Silence stretches for what seems like an eternity, Roman’s heart becoming heavier and heavier.

There, he’s done it. They hate him now, and there’s nothing he can do to change that. God, he feels so stupid.

Then, Patton lets out a strangled sob and lunges for him, almost knocking a dumbfounded Virgil off the couch with him. Startled, Roman lets out a surprised yelp as they both fall on the ground, Patton sobbing uncontrollably on his chest.

“Wha-”

“W-We c-could never h-hate you, R-Roman!” Patton cries, looking at him with eyes so full of love that Roman finds himself frozen, not able to look away. Distantly, he feels Logan and Virgil slowly enveloping the both of them in an embrace.

“It’s very illogical for you to think so.” Logan states, fondness seeping into his voice. “I can’t understand how you could have ever thought that.”

“We thought you were the one who wasn’t interested in being with us.” Virgil murmurs, face pressed into the crook of Roman’s neck. “We thought you wanted to just be our friend and we were fine with that, we really were. But then you started withdrawing from us and I thought-”

“W-What?” Roman finally stammers, looking at them like he can’t believe what they’re saying, like he can’t even fathom that they might feel the same way he does. “I-I don’t-“

“We love you too, silly.” Patton giggles, tears still dripping on his cheeks. But he’s smiling, a beautiful, blinding smile that makes Roman heart stop –and then burst with happiness and disbelief and infinite joy because they love him, the love him so much and oh, how can he have missed something so obvious, so crystal clear, adoration and upmost devotion shining in their eyes every time they look at him?

Roman bursts into tears, overwhelmed with emotion, hiding his face on Patton’s shoulder while he cries and cries and cries.

And they hold him through it all, whispering words of love and assurance until he has no more tears to shed, until there is nothing in his heart but love and relief.

For the first time in a long while, held in the arms of the people he loves, Roman feels calm, at peace.

For the first time in a long while, smiling to himself as he cradles his hand through Virgil’s hair,  head on Patton’s shoulder and Logan’s grounding weight leaning on his side, Roman finds himself thinking that maybe, just maybe, everything is going to be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY YEAH I'M SO SORRY I HURT MY SON SO MUCH-  
> But, consider this: the Angst™ was calling. And when the Angst™ calls, you answer.  
>   
> OKAY YEAH MOVING ON-  
> I really, really hope you liked this fic. It made me sweat and cry and yell in frustration at three in the morning so many times I lost count. It basically wrote itself, but _BOI_ if it didn't take its sweet damn time for it.  
>   
> So, uuuuh. Let me know if you liked it? Even a simple keysmash is accepted, I live for constant validation ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
>   
> Follow me on Tumblr at [@max-is-tired](https://max-is-tired.tumblr.com) to hear me cry at three in the morning bc I can't write for shit, I need new friends anyways :')


End file.
